New Year's Resolutions

I will not admit to having done any of this in the past. 1) I will not light my pipe with a torch lighter or my cigar with a scented candle. 2) I will not bang my pipe against my boot to dislodge dottle. **Substitute: Wall, desk, crystal brandy snifter etc. 3) I will not try to impress a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex) with my knowledge of pipes. **Substitute: Cigars, Watches, Dr. Who, etc.. 4) I will not try to balance my pipe on the rim of a full glass of whisky no matter how cool the photo op seems. 5) I will not hold my pipe out of the window of a moving car to cool it off. 6) I will not scoop up and light spilled tobacco from the rug where a shedding dog has slept. 7) I will not smoke my pipe in a hot tub. 8) I will not smoke a churchwarden while driving. **Steering wheels are a lot closer than they seem. 9) I will not try to smoke a fine English blend in a prohibited public place and claim that it's OK because it's a new strain of weed. 10) I will not use my finger as a tamper. **Substitute: Carrot sticks, celery sticks, rolled up match book covers, pencils, pens, chopsticks.. especially plastic ones, etc. 11) I will not go to a fancy cigar bar and try to dazzle my companions with witty conversation and then put the lit end of the cigar in my mouth. 12) I will not wear any article of clothing I care about while smoking a pipe or cigar. Substitute: Eat anything at all, drink red wine, use super glue, etc. There you have it. One for each month. I am presently putting post-it notes on each page of the calendar. Please feel free to add to the list!